FOR THE LULZ:
On the Fourth of July of the year two thousand and thirteen, Jay-Z will officially release Magna Carta Holy Grail, his 37th album, to humans. We’re going to review it for you right now.
Some background information: Two weeks ago, Jay-Z was at an upscale tennis club in Florenia, a part of New York that you don’t even know exists and isn’t even on Google Maps so don’t bother trying to look it up. He was just hanging out wearing a human coat* and just being a multimillionaire and whatnot. In walked Justin Timberlake. Jay was all, “Yo, Justy Timby!” Timberlake was all, “My dude!” They touched rings, exchanged pleasantries, did the rich guy foot rub**, then started talking about each other’s albums.
Timberlake mentioned that he’d not heard Jay’s, which made sense to Jay because Jay records all of his albums in the future and then comes back in time and delivers the master copy the day it’s supposed to be released (which is how he avoids it getting leaked). Jay was like, “Dude… poof!” Justin was like, “Uh…” Jay was like, “My bad, bro. I was expecting Future Jay-Z to materialize with a copy of the album for you. I still get the mechanics of this whole time travel thing confused.” Then he reached into his back pocket, pulled out a copy of Magna Carta Holy Grail and handed it to Timberlake. Timberlake smiled, impressed that his clout had delivered him one of the summer’s suddenly most anticipated albums. Jay smiled, then vaporized himself, leaving behind little more than a cloud of mist and a Yankees cap. Timberlake wasn’t so impressed with his clout anymore. Timberlake wanted to be able to vaporize himself, too.
*A human coat is when you pay a very attractive El Salvadoran woman to follow you around and hug you all day long.
**Little known fact: Whenever very rich dudes run into each other, they plunk down onto the floor and then rub each other’s feet. It’s not gross because very rich dudes replace their feet with new ones after every use. If you haven’t replaced your feet, then that’s how you know you’re poor.
So that’s how we got here. After Timberlake got the album, he swung by the Myspace office, dropped it off, then bodyrolled rightthefuck out the front door. So, now a track-by-track review of Magna Carta Holy Grail:
“Holy Grail (Bonus Track)”
Turns out, the Holy Grail—LIKE THE REAL ACTUALY HOLY GRAIL THAT THEY TALK ABOUT IN THE BIBLE—is the bonus track. Holy Grails for everyone!
That’s cool and all but where is Holy Grail ????